Don't Stand on Buried Chicken

'Just Stop It' might be Rule 1 in the 1-step program, but a long and winding road led me to that insight. For years, I compiled other sets of rules to live by, ones I thought made sense only to me and started out as a joke, anyway. But people have asked me for copies, and as I get older, I take them more seriously me own self.

I started to post my expanded rules for living on Facebook, just a whim, a self-generated list like those my backup child is so enamored of, but I'll give it a trial run here first.

A Baker's Dozen Rules for Living

1. If your vehicle stalls on the tracks, run toward the train to avoid flying debris.
2. Pause often to tidy your area.
3. Dress in layers.
4. Seek higher ground.
5. When all else fails, punt.
6. In the event of an emergency, break glass.
7. Remember the rules.
8. Conserve energy.
9. Never eat more at one meal than you can hold in two hands.
10. Along with the quest for consistency, an enlightened tolerance should be practiced.
11. All lies are true.
12. Measure twice, cut once.
13. Don't stand on a wolf's chicken.

Notes:
9. A corollary for the one-handed: Never eat anything larger than your head.
10. This is the true copy editor's code.
13. Whereas the rule is probably self-explanatory, think of this as commentary: From a book about animal behavior, the upshot of the story is that if you have a wolf for a pet, you're an idiot, but if you do have a wolf for a pet, and the wolf gets hold of a chicken and buries it for later, and you go and stand on the spot where your pet wolf buried his chicken, you shouldn't expect the wolf to be all mellow about it. The wolf will feel threatened even if you don't know you're standing on the chicken. Maybe Rule 13 should be don't stand on buried chicken.

Ciao, jw